#1433

I'm singing my blues. 
Every Monday, I'll always be singing my blues.

School today was awesome because I left early.
Did some stupid planting plan for the whole morning. "What's planting plan?" - something that tells you where all the different plants are grown. Was colouring, deciding what plants to put, writing like a crazy. Had some English class and it was the best because it always end early. But there's this test next week, which I call "English Paper 1". Really, no joke.

Seems like Monday is a short day.
With my submission on Thursday, I'll be busy for the next few days doing ....
Models and journals. Basically, some cutting and pasting plus maybe writing?
Since there's no need to do powerpoint, so I cannot do what I'm good at.

******

I've been so stress lately that ...
Not exactly stress but something has been troubling me.
I feel that I didn't do enough for the group assignment.
Honestly speaking, I'm not good with drawings/colouring/writing. The only thing I'm good at is the computer stuff like powerpoint. Yet, we don't need to use powerpoint this time, so I feel like I haven't been doing much. I believe my leader knows that, I'm not good at drawing/colouring/writing so she didn't put me to draw/colour/write anything.

"Is not like I don't want to draw/colour/write. I know those are not what I'm good what and I think even I try my best to draw/colour/write, others will still think that it's not up to standard or anything. That's why, I'm afraid to draw/colour/write. Even today, I was put to do the planting plan where it requires colouring. Every time we need to colour the plant, I'll always ask another person to colour and I just sit there. Is not that I don't want to colour, but my group should know my standard, I'm not that good." 

In the end, I never take any initiative to draw/colour/write even I should.
I'm afraid that if it isn't nice, others who saw will scold me or "motivate me".

One very good example was ...
During my year 1, in the first semester, I didn't do well.
I couldn't draw/colour/write properly. If you view my work and compare to a "worst ever student" you can ever think of, I'm actually below par. Worst still, my work was presented to the whole class and lecturers and I literally broke down when they comment bout` me. To the extent that I stayed inside the toilet and cry, I didn't want to go out. Because of this, I became the topic of the day. It was so bad to the extent that during breaks, my lecturers asked me to stay and "counsel" me. Did I even mention this before?

Because I was embarrassed, I skipped school the next day. 

Second semester, another presentation in front of the class. This time, it's a different project and I put in lots of effort. Because of the guidance (from friends), I think I was able to improve in terms of draw/write/colour, I think I really did. When it's near the submission time, obviously we need to do a powerpoint, so some of the "not so close friends" came and "chit chat". Then they saw the monitor (showing my powerpoint), there's this layout, coloured by myself. And that "not so close friend" asked "is it _________'s?"...

Mental break down. 

I'm like, "I put in so much effort to colour and you say it's somebody else's work."
Tell me what I'm suppose to feel.
I was thinking, "so my effort of doing work = copying other's."
Yea, I want to cry. 
Till now, I still don't have the confidence to draw, especially for group work.
If it's individual work, I won't mind if I get lower marks for my drawings.
But for group work, "the whole group getting lower marks because of my drawings = burden."

Why am I sharing this?

******

I really dislike my lecturer. My friend and I were doing planting plan, one lecturer came and asked "why are you two drawing on the same piece of paper." Then she was like saying because two people drawing the same thing, it "becomes different" and it's a waste of time.

I really dislike my lecturer. 
Project brief wasn't stated carefully. Till now, my class has no idea what to do for the sketching/report/essay. Yet, that lecturer don't really explain to us. Worse, submission on Friday.