#1508
Tell me how does a suicidal note looks like.
Nonetheless, I felt nothing towards living for another day unlike those who wants to. I may be foolish to be even thinking about suicidal, but the truth is, I'm afraid to die, It wasn't just a day or two that the thought has been continuing, it just felt like I've done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. I hold nothing against the whole world, but my beloved universe turns entirely against me. Things never felt so real before, but once it happened, it's too overwhelming to accept all these. I certainly am at my limit.
Sometimes, a casual remark turns to be an important promise.
I hate people who broke that.
They've been testing me with all of it, breaking me apart again and again. To what have I deserve this?
There's people, who just need to reach out your hand, then free help comes.
To what did they deserve that?
There's always a scapegoat no matter where you are.
To what do I deserve to be one?
To think you've your limits and I don't have mine.
Times I chose to be quiet is because there's no point in exchanging verbal blows.
I count the number of lines I have. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 10.. 13.. 16.. 20.. 21.. 22.
Out of the 22 lines, which one did it hurt the most? Have you thought of how painful each one was. But with all the judgmental issues, it's all wrong and unforgiving. But what else would I have done instead? Maybe things are simpler when I'm dead, I don't mind at least a 60%.
At the end of the day..
No one understands my pain.
No one understands my worries.
No one understands my actions.
No one understands my past.
No one understands my value.
Then why am I still alive?
For who am I living for?
For who am I breathing for?
For who am I beating for?
No one.
I have no one else.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Thursday, December 18, 2014
#1507
'The glass bottle that breaks into pieces with a loud noise, is that how we are like'
Beast-1230
The time has come again, for us to reflect, improve and move on.
As continued, 2014 is a huge year for me.
The year began with myself involved in a final year project that I did not have enough sleep. All I could remember were those hardships trying to wake and sleep at proper timing so I could be 'awake' the very next day, looking at the computer every single day without fail. It was all so terrible trying to edit photoshop and crack out new ideas. But thank god all those efforts didn't go down the drain and looking at those work surely gave me a good sense of achievement.
But then again, I lost a friend in between, of which I've already explained or rant about it in previous post.
After the final project, was the preparation of Graduation show. Those few days were fun and I never felt so close with the rest of the classmates. Then again, it was our last time of 'being together'. Following, I had my first trip to Taiwan for 10 days with my friends, those days were really awesome. To the extent that I could still recall those tiny bits of stuff that happened there but I regret not taking more photos while I was there. Then I had my first official job at a restaurant, those days were hard to pass and a lot of grief and unwillingness. In Aug, admitting to university was a dread, although I was happy that I got accepted but the reality often suck. Thinking how this may really change my entire life.... Actually I chose not to think about it anymore. And because of university, I have a new found habit of wanting to just stay at home, on my bed and just do nothing. In a sense, I look forward to spending time alone, do nothing and most importantly worry nothing.
End of year vacation was what I looked forward to everyday while I was in university. Then, I went back to work and at first I felt a some joy to be able to be back at work. But this is not going to last further than I thought.
*
They say Christmas was the best season of all year and yes I was convinced about it to a large extent. However this year's Christmas may be the worse one I've ever wanted. The season of giving and returning caused resentment and vengeance.
This began when university happens, when we all chose different path and now that I look back at those, I felt foolish and unreasonable.
Just like your best friend, I have a long 'letter' to give you.
Hi. If you see this,
I am unable to control the amount of rage that you've caused because you chose to act the same as her. I believe everything began since university, you should have know the difference between us the moment you want to change your path. I myself, tried hard enough to salvage everything we had and obviously you did not. How about let's recall the first few weeks of school? If I was to be quiet during all the lunch(s) we had, what will you two be doing? After 3 years of friendship and become a 'hi-bye' friend. To recall, how many times you've said those lies when none of them corresponds any facts.
But when I've decided to thrash everything out because I cannot tolerate anymore bullshit or unreasonable reasons, ask yourself the attitude you gave. There is absolutely no conspiracy behind the scenes and you assume there is. Then you decided to frame me by saying I did things discretely. To be honest, do you dare to admit that you don't do the same. Yes, you think you are right in all situations, I am gladly to accept. Just so you know, I despise those who are unreasonable and I am happy without you too.
You know what you've done wrong? Probably not and I admit I don't either. Since you're unwilling to speak up for yourself, I am alright with it too.
To think that I am actually foolish enough to treat you as a closer friend.
But you chose to distance from all of us the moment you tried to set me up/lied to me.
You say I was responsible for the lost of two friends. But no I am not, you're the one. Maybe you feel better if you said so. But, let me correct you, it is you and not me.
'hey you bitch, who were the ones that were really by your side while you're sick and all'
'why you and your best friend can last longer and be very good friends when you two have different goals and now we of different goals couldn't be friends. You and your contradictions, look at what you've said, bitch'
'sorry, I strongly felt that you don't deserve the merit. There are many others who are more worthy of that. Come to think of it, I would rather sit with others than you.'
'remember what you've said about her? Well, same to you too.'
'you started this war and you chose to leave. So sincerely, what do you want?'
'I am not surprised at how much you bitch about me with your friends. Probably because of your attitude that always set people up, you don't have a single female friend.'
'didn't you always tweet simultaneously everyday? What's wrong with not tweeting these days? Because you're guilty, ain't you.'
'seriously, I think you're a bitch'
'Last but not least, I really hate you for ruining part of my life.'
'The glass bottle that breaks into pieces with a loud noise, is that how we are like'
Beast-1230
The time has come again, for us to reflect, improve and move on.
As continued, 2014 is a huge year for me.
The year began with myself involved in a final year project that I did not have enough sleep. All I could remember were those hardships trying to wake and sleep at proper timing so I could be 'awake' the very next day, looking at the computer every single day without fail. It was all so terrible trying to edit photoshop and crack out new ideas. But thank god all those efforts didn't go down the drain and looking at those work surely gave me a good sense of achievement.
But then again, I lost a friend in between, of which I've already explained or rant about it in previous post.
After the final project, was the preparation of Graduation show. Those few days were fun and I never felt so close with the rest of the classmates. Then again, it was our last time of 'being together'. Following, I had my first trip to Taiwan for 10 days with my friends, those days were really awesome. To the extent that I could still recall those tiny bits of stuff that happened there but I regret not taking more photos while I was there. Then I had my first official job at a restaurant, those days were hard to pass and a lot of grief and unwillingness. In Aug, admitting to university was a dread, although I was happy that I got accepted but the reality often suck. Thinking how this may really change my entire life.... Actually I chose not to think about it anymore. And because of university, I have a new found habit of wanting to just stay at home, on my bed and just do nothing. In a sense, I look forward to spending time alone, do nothing and most importantly worry nothing.
End of year vacation was what I looked forward to everyday while I was in university. Then, I went back to work and at first I felt a some joy to be able to be back at work. But this is not going to last further than I thought.
*
They say Christmas was the best season of all year and yes I was convinced about it to a large extent. However this year's Christmas may be the worse one I've ever wanted. The season of giving and returning caused resentment and vengeance.
This began when university happens, when we all chose different path and now that I look back at those, I felt foolish and unreasonable.
Just like your best friend, I have a long 'letter' to give you.
Hi. If you see this,
I am unable to control the amount of rage that you've caused because you chose to act the same as her. I believe everything began since university, you should have know the difference between us the moment you want to change your path. I myself, tried hard enough to salvage everything we had and obviously you did not. How about let's recall the first few weeks of school? If I was to be quiet during all the lunch(s) we had, what will you two be doing? After 3 years of friendship and become a 'hi-bye' friend. To recall, how many times you've said those lies when none of them corresponds any facts.
But when I've decided to thrash everything out because I cannot tolerate anymore bullshit or unreasonable reasons, ask yourself the attitude you gave. There is absolutely no conspiracy behind the scenes and you assume there is. Then you decided to frame me by saying I did things discretely. To be honest, do you dare to admit that you don't do the same. Yes, you think you are right in all situations, I am gladly to accept. Just so you know, I despise those who are unreasonable and I am happy without you too.
You know what you've done wrong? Probably not and I admit I don't either. Since you're unwilling to speak up for yourself, I am alright with it too.
To think that I am actually foolish enough to treat you as a closer friend.
But you chose to distance from all of us the moment you tried to set me up/lied to me.
You say I was responsible for the lost of two friends. But no I am not, you're the one. Maybe you feel better if you said so. But, let me correct you, it is you and not me.
'hey you bitch, who were the ones that were really by your side while you're sick and all'
'why you and your best friend can last longer and be very good friends when you two have different goals and now we of different goals couldn't be friends. You and your contradictions, look at what you've said, bitch'
'sorry, I strongly felt that you don't deserve the merit. There are many others who are more worthy of that. Come to think of it, I would rather sit with others than you.'
'remember what you've said about her? Well, same to you too.'
'you started this war and you chose to leave. So sincerely, what do you want?'
'I am not surprised at how much you bitch about me with your friends. Probably because of your attitude that always set people up, you don't have a single female friend.'
'didn't you always tweet simultaneously everyday? What's wrong with not tweeting these days? Because you're guilty, ain't you.'
'seriously, I think you're a bitch'
'Last but not least, I really hate you for ruining part of my life.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)